Dirty Fraud Page 14

  He looks me over in my nightgown and I can see that the sight affects him. He makes himself look away, but I’ve already taken measure of the tremendous emotion he’s holding in.

  “You’re shivering,” he says, moving over to switch on the fireplace.

  I frown and wrap one hand across my chest. I’m deeply aware of how sheer this nightgown is.

  “I’m shaking because you scared me, not because I’m cold,” I say.

  He turns back and comes straight for me, and I see bitterness in his eyes. He’s tormented.

  “What did you do to them?”

  We’ve moved back into the bedroom, and I glance at the door back into the hall. “You mean Blair and Wills?”

  “Who else would I be talking about?” he says, his voice teetering on the edge of a snarl.

  “Damned if I know, otherwise I’d have you too,” I tell him, surprised by my own cheek. He turns away from me and rakes his hand through his hair in frustration. “As it is, that’s really none of your business.”

  He takes a deep breath, then lets it out slowly and turns to me again.

  “Do you have any idea how difficult it is to see you with them both, when all the while I’m stuck with Victoria?” His eyes are burning, and his voice is tight with tension.

  “Don’t forget,” I say. “You chose her. You did. So, you don’t get to have an opinion about what I’m doing or who I’m doing it with,” I shoot back at him.

  “It’s not fair!” he snaps angrily. “This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.”

  He begins to pace the floor in front of me.

  “Well you’re the one who made it this way.” I raise my voice to him. “If you don’t like it, too bad, it’s your own damn fault. I don’t even know what you want, and to be honest, I don’t think you know either.”

  He stops pacing and glares, pointing his finger at me. “I know exactly what I want.”

  “Yeah?” I ask defiantly. “And what is that?”

  Without a word he comes right to me and closes his hands tightly on my bare shoulders, pulling me to him. He crushes his mouth to mine, kissing me hard. Much like our first kiss stolen on the quad, it ignites in me a flurry of conflicting emotions. Unlike last time, however, I do not draw immediately away.

  He parts my lips as his arms go around me, and I am flooded by the taste and feel of him as his fingers close tightly on my skin. It’s as if he wants to possess every part of me and draw me all the way into himself.

  Everything in me catches on fire, and I want so much more from him than his kiss; I am longing for all of him, but there’s a barrier in the way that I will not ignore. When his mouth leaves mine and he begins to kiss my neck, speaking my name against my skin like a prayer, I force myself to lean away.

  He’s almost in a fog of desire; breathless and desperate as I reach up to hold his chin in my hand. Something in him is broken, but he isn’t willing to do what he needs to fix it.

  “I can’t stay away from you,” he tells me quietly, staring at me. “I don’t care if I have to share you. I can’t take it. I have to have you.”

  His hands dig into my shoulders again. “I need you.”

  When he tries to kiss me this time, I have to make him stop. As much as my body is begging me to fall into him, I need answers first.

  I hold my hand flat against his chest, keeping him at bay. “Astor, you have to tell me the truth.”

  “What?” he asks distractedly, his arms tight around me, his lips anxious to touch me again.

  I lock my eyes on his. “Are you sleeping with Victoria?”

  He blanches for a moment and looks away from me, and I already know the answer.

  “Yes,” he replies, and then looks back at me. “But I don’t want her. I want you.”

  Anger burns hot in me and I plant my other hand on his chest and shove him away from me hard.

  “Oh, come on,” he says, his denied affection turning him sour. “Is it so different than what you’re doing with Wills and Blair?”

  I back a step away, utterly shocked. “Fuck you, Astor. You know it is.”

  He rakes his hand through his hair again, his eyes growing wild. “I know, I just, it isn’t so simple for me.”

  “Simple or not, you’re not free to be with me.” I close my eyes, knowing full well how close I was to getting at least a little part of my Astor back. “If your relationship with Victoria was really a sham, that would be one thing. But you’re together, fully together, and I’ll not be made a cheat.”

  Astor shakes his head miserably. “Then what am I supposed to do?”

  “That’s entirely up to you.” I shake my head at him and cross my arms over my chest. I finally muster up the strength to look at him again. “I won’t be with you until you break up with her.”

  Astor turns from me as if there’s physical pain inside him. “I can’t break up with her. This was set before I was even born. We live in a world where not all of us get to make this choice for ourselves, and while Wills and Blair might be free to love who they please—I’m not.”

  “Hold on,” I stop him. “This whole thing, it’s been arranged?”

  He nods. “Don’t you see now?” His face grows almost hopeful, like somehow by understanding this, I’m going to change my mind.

  “I do,” I say, but I’ve gone quiet. That would explain a lot—everything from Astor’s inability to leave her, to the possessive nature Victoria’s shown towards him ever since I arrived at Hawthorne last year. It’s a wonder she never mentioned it before, but I imagine it wouldn’t look good if the man she was pining for wouldn’t give her the time of day even though they’re technically, and unofficially, engaged to be married one day.

  “And?” Astor asks, reaching for me again.

  I stalk to the door and yank it open. “Get out, Astor. I see now that this is hopeless.”

  At the end of the day, Astor’s sense of duty will always win out. I haven’t known him for long, but I know that.

  And if I’m right … then Astor Hawthorne will never be mine.

  Chapter 19

  On Sunday morning we thank Darla and Heath for the best weekend, and we all get back into the SUV and are driven back to school by the same driver who brought us out. It’s strange going back after such an intensely close and intimate long weekend. After Astor left that night, Blair snuck in to sleep beside me—and soon after, Wills followed.

  The next two days were much of the same—but there was something different between Astor and I, and I think he feels it too. He’s still ignoring me, somewhat, but that hatred in his eyes has gone missing. Instead, it’s been replaced by something that isn’t quite sadness, but it’s close.

  I’m looking forward to getting some distance from Victoria at long last. I’d hoped part of her horrible attitude was attributed to maintaining a certain image at school, but no. She’s just a terrible person through and through.

  We headed back early to make our last swim meet before Christmas. Hawthorne is lucky, in a way, that most of the meets happen here on campus. Since we have the nicest facilities for miles around, we rarely have to all pile into the bus and head out to other schools.

  I’m not exactly ready for this one, what with all the gorging I did over the holiday, but Wills has somehow sprung right back to fighting-fit without ever batting an eyelash. I have a suspicion that he snuck out of bed every night to go work out, and then climbed back in without either Blair or I noticing.

  Our friends are in the stands cheering us on while we prepare for our prospective races. Wills, of course, elicits a thunder of applause when he sets another state record in the freestyle competition, while I’m just surprised to take fourth in my own. There’s a general, nearly overwhelming, air of camaraderie on the way back to the dining hall for dinner.

  We enjoy our meal together, the four of us; me, Dana, Blair, and Wills all laughing and talking and having a great time. There was a time when I didn’t think I’d ever get to see these boys so carefree and
happy beside me again, and I’m so fully drunk on it that I don’t even see when Astor and Victoria come in after us.

  “You did well,” Astor’s voice says, directly behind my ear. I jump and whirl back to look at him, and spot Victoria standing several yards away, arms folded, glaring in our direction.

  I just nod and he walks away as if that’s just a normal thing to do. I’m not the only one who notices. Dana is practically ready to jump me for answers the moment I kiss Blair and Wills goodbye at the door to our room that night.

  “So?” she asks, breathless. “What was that all about?”

  “With Astor?” I say, then relay the conversation we had in my bedroom. I try to keep it short, because I can see she’s itching to tell me something of her own. She’s always easy to read in that way.

  I let go a heavy sigh, right at the end of it. “I just wish he’d let go of Victoria and choose me. He just … won’t. He’s too obsessed with, I don’t know, maintaining the family legacy or whatever. I guess a parentless orphan doesn’t fit into that plan.”

  It takes me a minute to push the dark look off my face and ask Dana what’s so obviously weighing on her mind. Her hands have been twitching anxiously in her lap this entire time, but now, suddenly they still.

  She looks uncomfortable. “Well, actually, maybe now isn’t the best time.”

  “What?” I ask, laughing darkly. “Did you find out something about my parents or something?”

  She’s silent for a moment, and I dart forward to the end of the bed. “Tell me. Now.”

  “Well, I asked my dad to look into it, even though you said not to.”

  I nod. “Of course.” My heart has started racing now.

  “It’s not good news.” Dana looks more than sorry, as she tells me what I already knew in my heart. My mother was a drug addict and some kind of sex worker, from the look of things. She died of an overdose just days after I was born, but not before she left me in foster care without so much as a hint at who my father might be.

  With a career like hers, I doubt even she knew.

  I’ve expected this sort of thing, but now that I know it for sure … it settles heavy in the pit of my stomach. Astor was right. He couldn’t ever be with me. Not with a family history like that.

  “You know,” I say, “it’s sort of ironic. I was given life by someone who died in the same way that Sadie passed away, and then I stole Sadie’s life. Highly appropriate.”

  Dana eyes me in concern. “You’re taking this surprisingly well.”

  I sigh. “Well, I’m disappointed of course,” I admit, “but it’s just a big whatever. I mean, obviously it doesn’t change a thing, so I’m not going to worry about it.”

  Dana nods. “I think that’s wise. Are you mad at me for looking into it?”

  I give her a half smile. “No. You were curious, and so was I. Now I never have to wonder.”

  “Well, you might not have had it good before, but that’s all changed now.” She raises her eyebrows at me. “From the little gaps in your story about this weekend, I have a feeling Blair and Wills are taking very good care of you.”

  I squeal a little and hit her playfully on the arm. “Dana!” I exclaim, but the blush on my cheeks is the only confirmation she needs.

  It feels strange to sleep alone in my bed for the first time in five nights. Except for the encounter with Astor in my room, I wouldn’t change a moment of the last weekend for anything. It takes a couple days to get used to the old routine back at school, but thankfully this year I’m not the only one struggling to keep up. Between his own sports and classes, Wills and I end up spending all of our free time together studying for our last shot at the SAT. Neither of us says as much, but we’re both worried. Dana sits beside us quizzing us at all hours until even Blair can recite all her flash cards from memory—which he does, so often that I’m pretty sure I’m going to start dreaming in formulas.

  On top of it all, we have midterms coming up and a science project due that I may or may not have forgotten about all semester. Thankfully, Dana did too … and we beg our teacher until he reluctantly agrees, with both Blair and Wills staring on from the doorway, to allow us to do it together.

  Now that I have the boys back, I don’t really need—or have time for—the distractions of the other clubs I joined. I take one afternoon to slip back down to the drama club and tell them I won’t be back, and I’m pleasantly surprised by how upset everyone is. I know it’s partly because, ever since Blair came back to my side, it’s like the school-wide “Teddy” ban has been lifted. I went there determined to quit, and leave with the promise I’ll be back after the new year.

  I’d planned on heading straight to the library, but as she’s want to do, Victoria corners me on the way.

  This time, I’m prepared. I check for her goons, Laura and Ashley, ready to strike from around the corner—but seeing nothing, turn back and give her a no-nonsense look.

  “What is it this time?” I ask, not trying to hide the disinterest in whatever it is she has to say.

  So long as she doesn’t try to get in the way of my test tomorrow, I really don’t care. It’s been nearly a week and a half since we were forced to speak to each other at the Rashnikov’s house, and I’ve really enjoyed it. I could happily not speak to her forever.

  If she’d just leave me alone.

  She levels a cool gaze at me. “I want to know what happened between you and Astor over Thanksgiving.”

  My heart skips a beat, but I look at her casually and speak with an even tone. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Victoria grows bitter. “Yes, you do. He hasn’t touched me since then, and I am not blind, Teddy. I see the way he sneaks looks at you.”

  I lift my chin a little. “Then let me put your worries to rest.” As much as I wish something happened between me and Astor, it really didn’t, and I tell her so. “I’m not going after a boy who’s dating another girl, Victoria. I’m not like you. I have at least some self-respect.”

  She glares venomously at me. “I don’t believe you. You mark my words. I’m going to make it my mission to get your ass thrown out of this school for good! Then Astor will never see you again.”

  “Don’t mess with me, Victoria,” I warn her in a dangerous voice. “You won’t win. Every time you’ve tried to come after me, it’s backfired in your face. Let this go and leave me alone.”

  Victoria shakes her head. “Oh no. I’m not letting it go. I’m coming after you and I’m not going to give up until you’re gone, no matter what it takes.”

  I’ve had enough. It’s just more of the same she’s been threatening me with for two school years now. I do pause, however, as I brush by her and offer a parting reminder.

  “You might have Astor, but I’d like to see if that changes if you try to get me expelled again.” I glance back at her. “I stand by what I said earlier. Nothing happened between us, but if it was up to Astor … it’d be a different story.”

  I walk away from her angrily, knowing I’ve just goaded her more. It was stupid, but she should know where she stands. When I get to the library, Wills and Blair are waiting for me with Dana so we can all get some last minute studying in. They take one look at my face and they know that something is very wrong.

  “What is it?” Wills asks as I reach them.

  I sigh and drop my books a little too hard on the table. “Victoria.”

  “Of course.” Blair groans. “What’s she doing now?”

  “You know, the usual stuff.” I sit with them. “She thinks I’m after Astor, and wants to get me expelled … that sort of thing.”

  Blair shakes his head. “Don’t worry about her. She’s all bluster.”

  “I don’t know,” I say, then drop my head into my folded arms and let out a loud groan. “I told her she’d be stupid to try to get me expelled again, but I think I just made it worse.”

  “No,” Wills says. “You’re right. You’re not on your own anymore. Blair and I might not have as
much pull as Astor, but we can put up a good fight if they try.”

  That perks me up for the next couple hours of studying. Eventually it’s just me and Wills in the library until the librarian finally has to come shoo us away in order to close. It’s late when we get out, close to midnight, which is why I’m so surprised when I see Eli Hamilton, the representative from Columbia, hurrying our way down one of the halls.

  When he spots us, he calls out and waves for us to come to him. Wills and I exchange a tired glance, but we do as we’re asked and I make sure to smile as politely as I can, given the fact that I’m exhausted and certainly look like I’ve seen better days. I’m surprised he recognizes me at all. I’m a far cry from the glamorous creature he saw at the last dinner.

  “Mr. Hamilton, how nice to see you,” Wills says as well, reaching out a hand to shake his.

  “Please, call me Eli,” he says, but his attention is focused on me. He’s eyeing me curiously, and it makes me squirm uncomfortably.

  “What’s brought you back to Hawthorne?” I ask, hoping to shift some of his pin-point gaze away from me.

  “I’m doing a series of guest lectures on forensics and detective work here. My last one ran a little late,” he explains simply, then quickly changes the subject. “I’ve been thinking about our conversation at dinner. You said that you don’t know who your parents are, but I didn’t have a chance to ask you … do you happen to know about any other members of your family? Or maybe even just a family surname?”

  I shake my head. This again? “I really don’t see the point,” I say. I glance up at Wills. I haven’t even told them what I found out recently. It’s not exactly unexpected news, but I’m not keen to talk about it either.

  But Eli just keeps looking at me expectantly, so I figure if I tell him it’ll just get us out of here and off to bed as soon as possible for tomorrow’s test. “A friend of mine did a little looking and found out my mother … my birth mother, anyway … was a drug addict who overdosed just shortly after I was born. That’s all I know about her.”